And Now For The Starter's Gun...

I've been thinking about starting a blog of my own for some time now. I suppose now I will have to curtail my weekly quotient of blog-surfing. But maybe that's a good thing.

Don't suspect I'll settle on a specific theme for quite some time. I can certainly guarantee plenty of discussion about movies. Will probably mention baseball from time to time. And there will possibly be some talk of poker as well. Other various topics as well as they arise

For now....I'm going to cheat and repost my latest Myspace blog.

Originally posted yesterday morning

title: something's missing

I was loving life; on cruise control for the last few months, and now the train's derailed. Something's missing...I think I need a new hobby

(edit. this blog ended up being ALOT longer than I thought...I apologize in advance)

I'd like to kid myself and say that what I really need is a hobby because what I'm really scared to admit is that I really need is a change of venue.

Growing up on the Outer Banks, I've become attuned to the laid back lifestyle. But I think I've misapplied it to my own life. Instead of simply being laid back, what I've become is just flat-out lazy. I've never been surfing despite having lived here for nearly all my life. Part of that was my tendency to do my best impersonation of a radish after any prolonged sun exposure. That and I wasn't that athletic growing up. I suppose I hold some sort of misguided grudge against learning how to surf now. Might be quite like when I finally went skiing for the first time when I was 20. Being the oldest in the beginner's class was quite embarrassing.

So the reason I feel I need a new hobby now is due to my abundance of free time, and energy. I naturally have a tendency to over-analyze whatever it is I have tuned my focus to. Leaving things open-ended just sort of eats at me constantly. I've given myself this free time, but I'm not doing anything constructive.

I find myself these days needing to right a capsized ship, but unwilling do it quickly. Coming off my whirlwind stint on the Fun Ship Ecstasy. I found myself in a small financial hole. My following job in Las Vegas would have all but erased the hole, if I hadn't practiced bad game selection and lost a significant portion of my pay. So I find myself at home, needing to make money. But following my unceremonious dismissal from the breakfast shift at a shiteous 24-hour cafe in a second rate casino, I had little desire to go back to waiting tables (even though I figured it might be the easiest way to get back to black. I was determined to log some job experience to diversify my paltry resume. So now I work at the paper. My first 9-5 job.

My last blog notwithstanding, I can usually leave my thoughts on work, at work. So that gives me 6-7 hours per day, and many more on the weekend for myself. My three favorite things: poker, movies, and baseball just aren't doing the trick. I was consumed for the first three months of this year by a new diet. The diet itself and my adherence to it was very passive aggressive. It wasn't the most strict of diets, but I stuck to the parameters very closely. I lost a small amount of weight each week, and have finally plateau-ed for the last 3 weeks (a good 30 lighter than when I started).

Another solid I did myself with the diet, was cutting alcohol out altogether. Now that I've reached my target weight, I've slowly let certain concessions back in, but I've come to the realization that I've had a significantly destructive relationship with alcohol throughout the years. My problems pale in comparison to those of many others, but I fully recognize that I have at times self-medicated with a blackout. I see how often I would go out intending to drink to excess. I've discussed these revelations, and many people have told me how great it is that I can recognize these things. I think thats a crock. It doesn't take the feelings away. I've felt genuine frustration in the past couple of nights, and heard myself say inwardly, "I need a drink" for the first time in months.

So we come back to why I need a new hobby. I need something therapeutic. Something simple. Something mindless. I'm considering knitting.

Being that I'm slowly chipping away at at debt, I can't really afford to play poker. I've been entrenched in free bar-league poker since September. After the first 'season' I had told myself that I didn't want to play as often as I did in the winter. And yet I find myself there five nights out of the week. I pray regularly for something worthwhile to present itself each week night, to give me an excuse not to go. I occasionally play micro-stakes online, but that's ultimately more stress-inducing than stress relieving.

I've hit a rough patch the last few weeks with movies. I now juggle three different sources for movies: the theater, netflix, and the new bane of my existence = redbox.

The summer season for movies is almost upon us. My only foible now is waiting to see movies that I want to see. Ever since way back, I've never had a problem going to the theater by myself. The movies never made sense to me as a group activity. Particularly as a date they seem like a huge copout. You would take a girl to the movies with whom you have trouble finding things to talk about. In the past couple of months I've tried to go with different people to the movies. I guess it just sort of grates on me in a very self-involved way.

Netflix bothers me in patches. Occasionally I threre's a flick I want to watch that is the kind of movie that one needs to be in the proper frame of mind to watch. And sometimes that frame of mind just eludes you for an extended period of time. Case and point was Ang Lee's latest movie Lust, Caution. I held on to that one for nearly a month before finally struggling through it the other day. It didn't come close to my three-month "not-flixing" record (still held by the Seven Samurai; which I didn't watch). Caution Is a wartime, period piece with subtitles. And I can't watch it with anyone else because of its explicit content (if I were Kevin Smith I would refer to this as hardcore boning). Most of the time when I doze off the first time I watch a film I give it a second chance, but I just knew it might be another month before I gave it a chance again, so I wrapped it up. I've also found that since I've begun using redbox my netflix usage has slipped.

Redbox is fantastic. $1 a night, no clerk to ask if I want damage protection, online reservation. Because its so difficult to get new releases timely from Netflix, I find myself redboxing every "new movie tuesday." I've only had to keep three movies so far longer than the first night, and still is cheaper than going to the movie store (where I used to go for new releases). They actually enticed me back yesterday with a free rental, because I hadn't been in so long. The only problem with juggling these three sources of movies is that recently its made watching movies more like a chore for me. I would have never thought that was possible.

And baseball. My Braves are no longer nationally telecast (tear). They've had too many ridiculous injuries to their pitching staff already this year. Hopefully when I go to see them play the Mets in September everything is peachy keen. The most enjoyable part of my job has been covering local baseball. I few comments from some parents in the past couple of weeks, has polluted my serene baseball lake enough to bug me just a little bit. I'm driving all the way to Hatteras tomorrow night again (and if another parent makes some kind of comment about how we never cover their sports teams again; I will do one of three things: I'll laugh loudly in their face, hand them my most recent gas receipt, or slash their tires)

So I apologize to anyone I may have freaked out with my recent neuroses. I'm trying to mellow the fuck out. The things that I obsess over, pale in comparison to many things my friends are struggling/dealing with. Feel free if you are one of those people to ask me if I want some "cheese with that whine," and to shut my trap. I just need something to occupy my mind.

I've looking into picking up some random catering shifts with High Cotton. From the way I understand it, it is the simplest work, and the pay is in cash. I'm looking forward after this week to an uncomplicated tax return next year (while praying for my first refund in years). I think I've mentally blocked my recent tax check, because it was simply laughable that i didn't save nearly enough for it over the past year.

Feel free to leave a comment, or a leave similar rant if you like. We all need a good vent sometimes. I will also respond kindly to these rants in a pm if you don't feel like sharing them with my huge blog-audience (I think I had 11 views on my last one; though they could have been the same person 11 times--I don't really know how that counter works)